Monday, January 23, 2012

Paige Bergstrom

When you were a teenager, did you ever feel the need to be independent? To be on your own and see what it’s really like to be an adult? Being legally emancipated, people can have this experience and benefit greatly. I think my friend Sylvia should emancipate herself from her home because she will have more privacy, freedom, and she’ll be better prepared for when she leaves high school.

One reason Sylvia should become emancipated is for the gaining of her well-deserved privacy. For her whole life, she has been forced to share a tiny bedroom with her younger sister Hannah. Once while Sylvia was stying the night at my house, Hannah raided her personal belongings and read her private journal. Nothing Sylvia does seems to gain her any privacy, which isn’t just annoying, but rude also. Hannah also always claims Sylvia’s clothes for her own and wears them whenever she pleases. This obvious lack of respect has resulted in almost no privacy at all. In order for Sylvia to regain her privacy, she needs to be emancipated.

Another reason Sylvia should emancipate herself is so she can obtain her freedom. Her parents are very strict and keep a close eye on their daughter. And as good as this is, it also means close to zero freedom. Last weekend, Sylvia’s boyfriend wanted to take her out on a nice date. Unfortunately, her parents thought otherwise. She instead had to stay at home for no apparent reason. If Sylvia were emancipated, she wouldn’t have had to put that weekend to waste and she wouldn’t have her parents dully make decisions such as this one for her. Sylvia should emancipate herself to gain her personal freedom.

Lastly, Sylvia being emancipated would help her become more prepared for when she’s out of high school. Numerous responsibilities would be added which she wouldn’t otherwise have. For example, she would have to pay for everything herself. Food, shelter, transportation, etc. Her parents wouldn’t be to provide for her so she would have to provide for herself, similar to the real world and how her life will be like in a couple years anyway. Sylvia should emancipate herself so she can better prepare herself for the future.

In conclusion, I think Sylvia should emancipate herself from her home so she can fain privacy, freedom, and preparation for her life after high school. Having close to no privacy right now, Sylvia definitely deserves some. On top of this, she’s also lacking any personal freedom whatsoever which would surely increase her fun and social life. With added responsibilities, Sylvia would have a better look into the real world and how it really is to be an adult. Being emancipated would certainly be a good experience for her to benefit and learn from.


  1. This response opens with an effective draw to gain the reader's attention ( did you ever feel the need to be independent). It then introduces the issue at hand before establishing a position. However, the response does not seem adressed to Sylvia, but instead, talks about Sylvia. The first argument (Sylvia should become emancipated is for the gaining of her well-deserved privacy) was creative and logical. This argument is supported by the relevant example of her sister Hannah trespassing Sylvia's privacy. The next argument (so she can obtain her freedom) seems weaker in content. The example is effective, but the reasoning is shallow because it doensn't adress the responsibility of freedom. The last argument (help her become more prepared for when she’s out of high school) is reasonable. The argument is structered well, but remains fairly general. In the conclusion, the position is restated, and the arguments are listed effectively. The response ends with a good statement about the effect of Sylivia being emancipated (good experience for her to benefit and learn). Overall, the second and third arguments are simple in reasoning, but very detailed with specific information. The structure of the response is strong and consistent throughout, and the tone maintains a factual soundness. The best-fit COS score for this response is a 4.

  2. I agree with Kevin in that this essay deserves a score of 4. Great job at following the Key structure, specifically everything! The one downside to this was that there was one or two minute spelling errors (something that could be avoided if you typed it up on Word or Google Docs, then pasted), however it's still a solid essay. Super job.


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